I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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