Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
