Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
