why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
