My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
