were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
