Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well most of my day revolves around power hour
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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