Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize