He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just high enough for therapy.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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