ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
