So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
