The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
