she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
