a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
