My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize