Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
