Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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