i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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