Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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