i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
