She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
