I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
