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my phone needs a breathalizer
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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