he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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