I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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