He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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