No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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