JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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