my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
