a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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