Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize