He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
