remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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