No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
