Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sober January is a disaster.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
