Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize