I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
