So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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