I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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