he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
