Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
