I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
