i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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