Where did you get a picture of my penis
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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