May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
