I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
