did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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