just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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