I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
