Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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