I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
