Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
