Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When did angry sex become our thing?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
