youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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