Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
