I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
