I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
