4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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