Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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