life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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