her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
